Hello. Um…You’re a penguin. I wasn’t expecting a penguin.
Leepoh: Fortunately for me, my parents were. Could you imagine their shock if they had hatched a Toucan?
I didn’t know penguins could speak.
Leepoh: I thought this was an interview. Are you going to make statements about your ignorance all day or are you going to ask me some questions?
Okay, okay. Why don’t you tell the audience a little about yourself?
Leepoh: I don’t because you haven’t asked me too yet.
(Interviewer grunts). Tell us a little about yourself, Leepoh.
Leepoh: I’m about three flippers tall, my plumage is black and white, and I have orange-ish pink feet and an orange beak.
Okay…that’s a start. Tell us something a little more personal.
Leepoh: Us? Are there more than one you? I only see one of you. If you think there is more than one of you, then I best be on my way. I once talked to a Macaroni penguin who always referred to himself in the third penguin and in future tense. By the time I left, I was convinced he was a reflection of tomorrow.
I’m reasonably certain that there is only one me here. When I refer to us, I’m referring to all of the people around the world who will be reading this interview.
Leepoh: Oh! Hah! You guys then. Hi humans! I’m Leepoh. I’ve killed a bunch of you!
I don’t think that’s going to win you any friends.
Leepoh: Bah! I’m not here to win any friends, friend. I’m here as a liaison between our worlds. Apparently some human who calls himself Steven Hammond wrote a book documenting the War of the Species. I’m being forced to talk to you by his imagination.
So you’re not here?
Leepoh: Are you?
Leepoh: Then I am too.
Well with that cleared up; let’s get to the meat of the interview, shall we?
Leepoh: I like meat! Well squid meat. Maybe not just the meat, but the whole squid. To be honest, there really isn’t too much difference between the meat and the not meat of a squid. I think a squid is just a slippery, multi-legged sack of meat. Mmm. Now that you mentioned squid, I’m getting hungry.
I never mentioned squid.
Leepoh: Yes you did.
No. I said meat.
Leepoh: I like meat! Well squid meat. Maybe not just the meat, but the whole squid. To be hon—
Stop! You just said that.
Leepoh: Said what?
I like meat!
Leepoh: Me too. Well squid meat. Maybe not just the meat—
That’s enough. Stop! Let’s move on. Okay, where were we?
Leepoh: Right here.
I know we’re here. I meant where were we in the interview?
Leepoh: Was that one of the questions? Because the answer is still right here.
No. Forget I asked. According to the book, RISE OF THE PENGUINS, you appear to have died. Can you explain this?
Leepoh: Apparently appearances aren't what they appear to be.
Okay. I guess that makes sense. There is another historical writing which will soon be released titled—THE WARLORD, THE WARRIOR, THE WAR. It tells us about a particular battle during the War of the Species and will tie in with the first book and the third book, which will be released next spring. You’re not featured in the second book. How does that make you feel?
Leepoh: Like I wasn’t there. How am I supposed to know? Let me make this clear, I’m only doing this interview because the guy who made me up is forcing me to.
Okay. No need to get surly. Are you saying that you have been forced into a kind of slavery?
Leepoh: Let’s just call it indentured servitude.
You don’t get paid?
Leepoh: Bah! I’m a fictional penguin. What am I going to with money?
If you’re fictional; then how am I talking to you?
Leepoh: Are you talking to me?
Yes. Back to the subject of the next book. Who is the Warlord?
Leepoh: Oh him. He’s the Warlord of Planarseae. His name is Talus. He was put in command of Forward Command One after General Diutes ran off and got himself in trouble with the Rockhoppers. He kinda scares me. Talus that is, not Diutes. He’s not insane like a lot of the Royal Emperor penguins. But he is strong and he loves to kill things like seals and humans and penguins and crabs and fish and squids and sea worms. I could have joined up with him, but I don’t think our personalities would’ve meshed. Who knows, maybe in the future we will. I’ll talk to the author about that.
Very good. What about this Warrior? Who is he or she?
Leepoh: He’s a human. He likes fighting too. I think him and the Warlord ended up in some sort of scrap. A whole fight to the finish type of thing. The human’s name is Trofim Grekov, or some unpronounceable name. I don’t know. The author seems to have a propensity to assign us difficult to say names.
Leepoh: Hah! Anyways, this Trofim is a mercenary from some place called Rush uh.
You mean Russia.
Leepoh: Rush a what?
No. Russia—the country.
Leepoh: Why would I want to rush a country? Or better yet, how? How do I urge a country to hurry up? Is it that far behind?
You’d be surprised. But never mind that. Let’s just conclude this interview, shall we?
Leepoh: We shall.
Is there anything you’d like to say to all of the millions of humans reading this?
Leepoh: Yes. Yes I would.
(Long pause) Go ahead.
Leepoh: Go read RISE OF THE PENGUINS and THE WARLORD, THE WARRIOR, THE WAR. They are the true historical accounts of things you didn’t know about. If you don’t, the penguins will come and sack your town and take all of the squid for our consumption and your children will cry when they find out that all of their squid are gone. And the children’s tears will flood the world and the penguins will frolic in the tears, happily and with bellies full of squids.
To be honest, human children don’t eat a whole of squid. And we call squid calamari.
Leepoh: Calamari? That’s hard to say. You’re like the author. Hey! Are you him?
Thank you for being here, Leepoh. Now back to where you came from.
Leepoh: No! Have you ever been in an author’s mind? It’s bizarre and this one takes a lot of pictures of ducks.