Thursday, December 12, 2013

X marks the Mas

Ah Christmas time. Here in ‘Murica it is a time when we celebrate our corporate overlords by purchasing massive amounts of completely unnecessary items to pad the wallets of CEOs who generally make more than a thousand times of their average indentured servants…I mean employees. It is also a time where the fortunate gather around a recently killed tree, in most cases a fir tree of some sort because mulberry trees drop nasty little berries all over the place, and spend time together by exchanging items wrapped in festive paper decorated with snowmen, Santa’s, and puppies wearing antlers. We tear into the paper with the avarice of hungry puppies when a bowl of chow is poured or when a burrito is left unattended. Some gifts are cherished, some are returned and some find their way into a box labeled either Goodwill or yard sale. 

It is in this spirit of goodwill, the kindly attitude not the donation center, that I have compiled a list of x-mas wants, nay, needs, addressed to the reason for the season: Santa Claus. Before I begin, let me say that the right jolly old elf has not paid me a visit in many decades. Despite my best efforts to remain on the nice list, I have been forsaken. I will not list my good deeds because I feel a good deed unseen by many but felt by one is a good deed indeed. Suffice to say, I think I belong on the nice list. Hell, I don’t know. Maybe I don’t belong on it. There was that incident involving the vicious dwarf hamster and the hungry pelican. Anyways, without further ado, (I’m not quite sure if the preceding statements would qualify as ado, but if I did do ado I wouldn’t do ado publicly), here is the list: 

 My dearest Santa, please bring me this stuff. *(formality is necessary or else the beggar’s inventory of desires will be discarded or worse, you could be put on the naughty list. And while in certain circumstances it is good to be naughty, this is not one of them). 

 1). A Pot ‘O Gold. My Irish heritage demands this. While I have never caught a leprechaun per se, I did catch a fish once that said it would grant me three wishes if I would let him go. I said, “I wish you never said that,” and I ate him. 

 2). A tambourine. If no other reason so I can dance naked in the moonlight on the winter solstice while slapping my tambourine. My conundrum lies in the fact that the solstice comes before Christmas. On second thought, a naked fat white guy dancing around at night would probably end up in jail or shot. So make that castanet’s for naked Cinco De Mayo dancing. 

3). A taco. 

 4). A weenie whistle. I asked Santa for one when I was a kid and when I didn’t get it, I no longer believed in Santa and I became a cynic and a therapist. Wait…I’m confusing myself with Judge Reinhold again. 

 Video of the Judge. Go on, click this link.


 5). A turkey farm. I want to wake up before sunrise, till the earth, and sow the turkey eggs in the fresh plowed soil. And with plenty of water and sunlight, I’ll harvest a fresh crop of 100% organic turkeys. 

6). Diabetes. This is not to make light of the disease, I just need a reason to stop eating so many of those damn butterscotch hard candies. 

7). Play-Doh. I took a sculpting class once, and to be honest, on what I make as an author I can’t afford proper clay. Besides, Play-Doh smells so delicious. It is edible isn’t it? Colorful, squishy…it has to be. I mean look at this set. It even comes with it’s own insulin syringe. 

It screams EAT ME!

8). Fancy pants. I’ve never owned fancy pants. I’m assuming you have to be fabulously wealthy to own something as fancy as fancy pants. My budget affords me things like trousers and britches, and the occasional slacks. Are fancy pants encrusted with diamonds? It seems like they would chafe during the summer if they were. 

9). Gold Bond powder. 

10). A pirate ship. Nothing big, a sloop would be fine. I’ve always wanted one, even before the Pirates of the Caribbean movies made people want to be pirates. I’d name her The Bastard Sea-hag. I would sail the seven seas and liberate unwary seafarers of their fancy pants and run them up the mast and people would know and fear me. I’d be the scourge of the Pacific. But then again, I’ve only been on the ocean twice, and both times I emptied my stomach of everything I had eaten the days prior. I think I even puked up one of my own ribs. Scratch that…I be a land lubber. Just bring me a Lego set instead.

Why the hell are they fighting ninjas?

I fully expect all of the above items to be under the aforementioned dead tree this year. So I guess I’ll need to kill a bigger tree. Happy holidays to all. It's almost time for a New Year's resolution. Now I have that Beatles song stuck in my head; so you say you want a resolution...