Halloween! Ooooh, such a
spooky time of year. I say that because pumpkins terrify me. Big, somewhat circular,
orange things are frightening. That’s why I don’t go to tanning booths; I fear
seeing a carrot–skinned derrière bounding down the hallway toward me. It could
happen. Well—in a nightmare it could happen. Which reminds of why I’m here: It’s
Halloween time. And while I have, for the purposes of better health, avoided the
oh-so-sweet temptation of candy-corn, I have not humbugged the holiday
entirely. Therefore I will indulge you all with a list of spookery not to be found
anywhere else in this realm of the living. That was bone-chilling, wasn’t it?
No? My spell-check is telling me spookery
is not a word. Maybe it wasn’t so bone-chilling. Regardless, this list will
contain real or imagined beast so terrifying that if you are faint-hearted, you
best keep the smelling salts close at hand. Beware and be warned! So, without
further a-boo here is my blah-g list of creatures that frighten me to
my soul:
1. The Dead Un-dead Dead Guy—you know the
one. The dead zombie thing that you think is dead but when you creep up to it
for a closer look, BAM!, it sits up and bites your face off. I’ve had to have
my face grafted back on three times because I’m a slow learner.
2. Eric Stoltz—No, not because of any
movie he’s been in, he’s a fine actor, handsome fellow and all too. It’s that
while doing research for red-headed actors for my previous blog, I found a
picture of him and he seemed to be telling me that he would carve me up and
serve me as fillet-o-fish sandwiches to my neighbors (who happen to be Gene
Simmons and C-3PO), then take my scalp and weave it onto a giant twenty-foot wookie
costume—wait a second. I think I dreamt this. Yeah. I did dream this. Forget
number two.
2. Bear Hugger—This
invisible fiend stalks his victim for hours, or even days, waiting for his
prey to become involved in a delicate social situation. At that point, he
rushes his target, picks him up around the waist, squeezes and shakes until the victim
uncontrollably farts. Those around him only see the victim’s wild contortions
and insane gyrating. Once the thunderous flatulence has been expelled, Bear
Hugger departs. You will not get the job, date, or make a good impression on
your new neighbors.
3. Backwasher—No, not the shower monster.
This beast is far, far more sinister. It, (I said it because it is an androgynous
Ken-doll neutral. Don’t ask me how
I know this), seizes hold of your drink, whether it be a Firestone 805, Kool-Aid,
or chocolate milk-shake, and takes a big open mouth gulp, letting the remnants
of its last meal (be it pizza, corn on the cob, or Chex-mix), spill back into
the drinking vessel.
4. WereBats—These frighten me much more
than Werewolves. You can see a werewolf coming; it growls and snarls almost as
if it wants to be seen. You will never see a WereBat coming. A WereBat will
flitter out of a tree, scratch you—maybe even nip at you—then erratically fly away.
You will never see it coming. Then, on the next Waxing Gibbous moon, you
transform into a tiny, fuzzy, flying insectivore. I know what some of you are
asking yourselves: “Don’t vampires transform into bats?” No. No they don’t. Nor
do they sparkle. Nor do they get angsty teen-age girls pregnant.
5. Moons Over My Hammy—since I’m talking
about moons I would be remiss if I were to omit something so foul and loathsome
as this Denny-ical concoction. Unsuspecting patrons enter the 24 hour diner,
hoping to either grab a bite while traveling or to sop up the alcohol in their
systems after seven hours of binge drinking. Oh, they get their meal, but they
also get a little something extra. At eight a.m. the following morning a deep
rumble in their gut gives the victims warning. A thought forms, “were those eggs cooked all the way? They
seemed a little runny.” The thought is dismissed. But the Moons Over My
Hammy soon does it’s work. By 8:30 a.m. the former Denny’s patrons experience a
full intestinal cathartic release of all things eaten the prior 72 hours, and
everything they might eat over the next 5 days. This beast actually expels food from your digestive tract
you have not even eaten yet. Sunken, hollow eyes, gaze to the sky for unseen
help. Withered, broken bodies fall to bathroom floors; legs weak and numb from hours
of sitting on porcelain cathedrae; raspy, dehydrated voices call to their deity
only to go unanswered.
6. Bret Micheals—Those pouty lips are a
distraction. What’s under that bandana!?! What are you hiding!?! I’m sure it
has to be Unskinny Bop. What does that even mean!?! My body recoils from the thought. Pray the Lord have
mercy on us sinners! Mankind cannot take another listen to this bad 90s metal.
Mercy on us, mercy on us all! I cry to thee, mercy! We have strayed from the
path; many have; but thou shall not have us endure such a fate as to suffer
through Unskinny Bop again! Mercy! Mercy, mercy…
7. Shits-n-Giggles—Some say he is the lost
soul of a Moons Over My Hammy victim. Some say he is something else entirely. All
I know is that you should be ever vigilant. But in the end your vigilance will
prove fruitless. You will hear him coming; waking you from your sleep. He
sounds like a sadistic child; a high pitched giggle can be heard in your home.
Walls mean nothing to him. The hallway, the den, downstairs, in the kitchen—in
the kids’ rooms. You will hear their terrified shrieks, but nothing can be
done. You can hide beneath your blankets or in the closet; futile attempts at
best. No weapon can defeat him. He’s there, in the dark. You can hear the
giggle. Your skin prickles in fear. Suddenly it happens. He does what his name
suggests then disappears. You are left trembling and shocked and in need of a
shower. Abandon hope all ye who hear this fiend.
Take
caution this Halloween for these creatures are out there. Eat your candy, carve
your pumpkins, dress in your sexy kitty costumes if you will, but heed my warnings. The
night will bring more than beggars of candy. Fear lives on this eve. Fear
lives.
