Interview With The Penguin

Hello. Um…You’re a penguin. I wasn’t expecting a penguin. 

Leepoh: Fortunately for me, my parents were. Could you imagine their shock if they had hatched a Toucan? 

I didn’t know penguins could speak. 

Leepoh: I thought this was an interview. Are you going to make statements about your ignorance all day or are you going to ask me some questions? 

Okay, okay. Why don’t you tell the audience a little about yourself? 

Leepoh: I don’t because you haven’t asked me too yet. 

(Interviewer grunts). Tell us a little about yourself, Leepoh. 

Leepoh: I’m about three flippers tall, my plumage is black and white, and I have orange-ish pink feet and an orange beak. 
 

Leepoh-penguinis annoyingus

Okay…that’s a start. Tell us something a little more personal. 

Leepoh: Us? Are there more than one you? I only see one of you. If you think there is more than one of you, then I best be on my way. I once talked to a Macaroni penguin who always referred to himself in the third penguin and in future tense. By the time I left, I was convinced he was a reflection of tomorrow. 

I’m reasonably certain that there is only one me here. When I refer to us, I’m referring to all of the people around the world who will be reading this interview. 

Leepoh: Oh! Hah! You guys then. Hi humans! I’m Leepoh. I’ve killed a bunch of you! 

I don’t think that’s going to win you any friends. 

Leepoh: Bah! I’m not here to win any friends, friend. I’m here as a liaison between our worlds. Apparently some human who calls himself Steven Hammond wrote a book documenting the War of the Species. I’m being forced to talk to you by his imagination. 

So you’re not here? 

Leepoh: Are you? 

Yes. 

Leepoh: Then I am too. 

Well with that cleared up; let’s get to the meat of the interview, shall we? 

Leepoh: I like meat! Well squid meat. Maybe not just the meat, but the whole squid. To be honest, there really isn’t too much difference between the meat and the not meat of a squid. I think a squid is just a slippery, multi-legged sack of meat. Mmm. Now that you mentioned squid, I’m getting hungry. 

I never mentioned squid. 

Leepoh: Yes you did. 

No. I said meat. 

Leepoh: I like meat! Well squid meat. Maybe not just the meat, but the whole squid. To be hon— 

Stop! You just said that. 

Leepoh: Said what? 

I like meat! 

Leepoh: Me too. Well squid meat. Maybe not just the meat—

That’s enough. Stop! Let’s move on. Okay, where were we? 

Leepoh: Right here. 

I know we’re here. I meant where were we in the interview? 

Leepoh: Was that one of the questions? Because the answer is still right here. 

No. Forget I asked. According to the book, RISE OF THE PENGUINS, you appear to have died. Can you explain this? 

Leepoh: Apparently appearances aren't what they appear to be.

Okay. I guess that makes sense. There is another historical writing which will soon be released titled—THE WARLORD, THE WARRIOR, THE WAR. It tells us about a particular battle during the War of the Species and will tie in with the first book and the third book, which will be released next spring. You’re not featured in the second book. How does that make you feel? 

Leepoh: Like I wasn’t there. How am I supposed to know? Let me make this clear, I’m only doing this interview because the guy who made me up is forcing me to. 

Okay. No need to get surly. Are you saying that you have been forced into a kind of slavery? 

Leepoh: Let’s just call it indentured servitude. 

You don’t get paid? 

Leepoh: Bah! I’m a fictional penguin. What am I going to with money? 

If you’re fictional; then how am I talking to you? 

Leepoh: Are you talking to me? 

Yes. Back to the subject of the next book. Who is the Warlord? 

Leepoh: Oh him. He’s the Warlord of Planarseae. His name is Talus. He was put in command of Forward Command One after General Diutes ran off and got himself in trouble with the Rockhoppers. He kinda scares me. Talus that is, not Diutes. He’s not insane like a lot of the Royal Emperor penguins. But he is strong and he loves to kill things like seals and humans and penguins and crabs and fish and squids and sea worms. I could have joined up with him, but I don’t think our personalities would’ve meshed. Who knows, maybe in the future we will. I’ll talk to the author about that. 

Very good. What about this Warrior? Who is he or she? 

Leepoh: He’s a human. He likes fighting too. I think him and the Warlord ended up in some sort of scrap. A whole fight to the finish type of thing. The human’s name is Trofim Grekov, or some unpronounceable name. I don’t know. The author seems to have a propensity to assign us difficult to say names. 

Like Leepoh? 

Leepoh: Hah! Anyways, this Trofim is a mercenary from some place called Rush uh. 

You mean Russia. 

Leepoh: Rush a what? 

No. Russia—the country. 

Leepoh: Why would I want to rush a country? Or better yet, how? How do I urge a country to hurry up? Is it that far behind? 

You’d be surprised. But never mind that. Let’s just conclude this interview, shall we? 

Leepoh: We shall. 

Is there anything you’d like to say to all of the millions of humans reading this? 

Leepoh: Yes. Yes I would. 

(Long pause) Go ahead. 

Leepoh: Go read RISE OF THE PENGUINS and THE WARLORD, THE WARRIOR, THE WAR. They are the true historical accounts of things you didn’t know about. If you don’t, the penguins will come and sack your town and take all of the squid for our consumption and your children will cry when they find out that all of their squid are gone. And the children’s tears will flood the world and the penguins will frolic in the tears, happily and with bellies full of squids. 

To be honest, human children don’t eat a whole of squid. And we call squid calamari. 

Leepoh: Calamari? That’s hard to say. You’re like the author. Hey! Are you him? 

Thank you for being here, Leepoh. Now back to where you came from. 

Leepoh: No! Have you ever been in an author’s mind? It’s bizarre and this one takes a lot of pictures of ducks.

The penguins made me do it

While getting ready to release my next book, a novella titled THE WARLORD, THE WARRIOR, THE WAR, due out this Fall, I got the chance to speak with one of the people who read my first book in the series RISE OF THE PENGUINS today. From what I was told, the biggest hindrance to people actually reading the novel was its size. Now I know 700+ pages seem like a lot, but also I know most people out there read 150,000 words a day in people’s news feeds on Facebook or Twitter or Tumbler or… the list goes on. But the conversation didn’t stop there; she continued to tell me that she was intrigued by the unusual concept and gave it a shot. And wouldn’t you know it; she couldn’t stop reading the book. She told me she read it faster than some 300 page books that endlessly slog on and never get to the point. And then she said she even learned a few things from my book.

Mission accomplished! If a reader can be entertained and take some knowledge from something I created, then I have achieved what 10,000 books about the undead with BDS&M fetishes couldn’t and can’t do. Which is not to say that I am a book snob. Quite the contrary. My books are not for people who enjoy blathering on about the beautiful prose of the latest Pulitzer Prize winner. It’s my personal opinion that a lot of the lauded award winning fiction out there is completely self-absorbed. Yes, my books have an underlying message about the environment and corporate greed and even the military being used for corporate gain, but I assure you that you will rarely find yourself reaching for the thesaurus or dictionary to look up words that nobody will ever use in a sentence in real life.

Buy it here! 

  My books are fun. They are about penguins. They are meant to entertain and if you learn something while you’re reading them, then that’s great. If you don’t like learning while you read, there’s plenty of action and drama and laughs to keep you happy. And my books are engaging and quick reads. In fact, one the best compliments I received was in a review where the reader said he finished the book within 48 hours. I would say that if you finish reading a 700+ page novel in less than 48 hours that is an accomplishment. So if you haven’t had the chance yet, pick up the book from Amazon or on my website and you might pleasantly surprised. If you’re a book snob, then maybe the latest offering from Annie Proulx would be more to your liking. Which is not to say that her and other past winners are not talented, they are, but I write books for people that are not about sexual depravity or falling in love with the undead. If there’s something you do or don’t like about my work, send me a message on the Facebook fan page. Unlike some authors, I listen to my fans and I will answer you. 

Enough of this stuff. Join me next time when I talk about the difference between lumbering and lumbering. Yeah there is a difference

Rise of the Penguins

*UPDATE: 2 weeks til release!

The time is fast approaching. My first novel RISE OF THE PENGUINS is set for a December release. (Available in both print and Kindle on Amazon) What is RISE OF THE PENGUINS you ask? Well let me start by explaining the books origins. If you missed my previous blog My Turn At The Blog Hop, where I answered a series of questions about my work, let me give you the quick rundown. 

First: this was a story I started writing waaaay back in 2005. I wrote the bulk of the novel while on my breaks working the graveyard shift at a local glass manufacturing plant. After a series of life’s setbacks, i.e. carpal tunnel surgery, heart issues, followed by a heart attack, followed by a divorce, followed by financial distress caused by the aforementioned heart troubles and subsequently losing my job, I buckled down and got to the work of publishing this epic adventure. So now, seven years later, I’m finally going to print! (I owe a lot to my recently appointed bride for pushing me forward).  

For you, my 3 or 4 loyal readers of my blog, I will give to you the chance to read the blurb. (Blurb. I’ve always had trouble assigning that word to group of sentences. Sounds more like a reflux problem). BTP. So without further ado, or excitement, or ruckus, or any other synonym of ado, I present the blurb. 

AN EPIC ADVENTURE BEGINS

Wildlife photographer Randy Lee and climatologist Gina Rosedale are working in Antarctica for Global Threat, an environmental research company. However they soon find themselves caught in the middle of a war no one could have foreseen: The War of the Species. The origins of which are shrouded in shadow.

Few people knew the penguins were intelligent and had their own society. Even fewer knew that they were vengeful. For years they were seen as amusing clowns of the Antarctic—waddling, dancing, characters of cartoons. Before the days of animated film they were seen as something else; a source for lamp oil, food for sled dogs, or other uses which resulted in the death of millions of penguins. This was a time they never forgot.

A leader emerged from an ancient race of penguin known as the Royal Emperors. This leader united most of the penguin clans into a defensive coalition. From this propitious beginning, the Royal Emperor leader soon dubbed himself Overlord of the newly formed Penguin Defense Alliance and as his kind grew in number, so did his power.

However not all penguins are content to subjugation by the Royal Emperors and resistance begins to show itself. But what the dissidents lack is a true leader. Under the iron rule of the Overlord and while enduring the horrors of war against the humans, an unassuming leader will emerge.

Can one penguin change the fate of his species and the world?

Be sure to check out my website, where you can find exclusive content pertaining to the book.
http://riseofthepenguins.net/
and follow me on facebook.
http://www.facebook.com/riseofthepenguins